Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
