I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
