Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
