I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
