i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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