i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
