If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
