bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
