i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
