you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
