i don't plan on having that self control this summer
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
