420 ftw
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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