It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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