whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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