Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize