No stitches, just platelets and will power
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
