grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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