I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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