Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
