If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
