Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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