Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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