How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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