My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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