That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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