Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
