Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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