Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
