Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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