it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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