omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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