1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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