You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
