I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
