Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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