Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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