True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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