dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
