after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
