i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
