You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
