I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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