barbara walters just said penis...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
