Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
