Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
