You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I touched a dick in church today
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
