There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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