i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
