I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
