I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
