There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
