Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
