dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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