Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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