here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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